The Judgment Factor

So, I get a facebook group invite to vote for an auditioner (friend of a friend, you could say) seeking to be cast in the new Off-Broadway production of Rent coming this summer (is it scary this is the first time I've heard about it?). I've just started dabbling in video auditions myself; it's always interesting when there's a chance to see what we on stage/in the auditioning room look like from the audiences/casting directors' points of view.

I got curious. I started looking at other video auditions, subconsciously making observations in my head, as the determined actor that I am, and seeing what I liked or didn't like--perhaps the lighting was really weird or the audio quality wasn't great or perhaps I loved their voice, but didn't see any character emerge (or the complete opposite). Maybe they had a look or exuded a charisma that was spellbinding...or oozed something that produced a very different reaction.

Much like this wonderful site I've been getting into recently, I began to click associated links through youtube and "stumbled upon" a collection of videos talking about how the cast of Glee landed their current gigs. I've talked a lot recently about the relationship of art to our own lives and how to share that art. A big part of that, and many of my colleagues might agree, is being comfortable in where and who you are. One thing that stood out to me was how incredibly vunerable they all felt and how raw their auditions were--clearly they had the ability, but they were their 100% pure personality. It takes courage to allow the fullness of your humanity to be exposed. So it is that we cannot afford to take for granted ourselves so much that our technique or anything else outshines that essence which is always and uniquely our own.

However, I find the old, but rather vague, adage of "being yourself" very discouraging. In context, it usually means to act or behave as someone other than ourselves. Granted, there are times when this suggestion is useful--albeit necessary--when living with other people. But, there's nothing very self-appreciating or self-assuring in the phrase. It's not very helpful, so let's modify it.

In acting, producing a state of "being" almost always creates something equivocal and lacking in electricity...the gravitational pull that attracts people like flies to halogen bulbs. Specifics are essential. How and when do we know that we are being ourselves? Are we ourselves alone, or with other people? Both? Maybe in a certain place? In a certain job or study? When pressed to trace my judgments, the source lies in what people do (including what they say). Action seems to be the glue that binds all these questions together. When we do something, then we have a way of making an objective observation--of determining who our character is. But maybe doubt now slinks in: how to do we know the action is right? There's millions of choices. How do we know we picked the right one? My mind keeps wandering back to one phrase.

 "Trust yourself": like you might have to do if you were at the door of a plane about to go skydiving. People I admire have this air of confidence, this alluring comfort in their presence, which almost always comes from a strong sense of faith in their choices independent of outside critique. They may appear strange, but they are so completely at ease within their own oddities that it quickly becomes accepted. Herein is where one of my biggest struggles remains: leaving myself alone to find the genuine character I'm playing.

Creativity is an unpredictable and somewhat mystic beast. When you're really doing something, your voice might wander somewhere and your body might move in a way which you didn't ask it. Or perhaps you're working from the outside-in instead; perhaps doing from an impulse of the mind that you willfully manifest. You might put your body into a funny position and justify an instant later. Whether through chaos or some inner reasoning, the best I've seen don't take time in performance to wonder if it worked. They worry about that later.

But what I saw in these videos about the Glee cast was an unabashed comfort in what they did--it may not have been the best choice at the time, but they went with it and somewhere in the struggle to reveal the song, they revealed themselves. I keep wondering how great it would be to allow personal inconsistencies to shine like Shakespeare in all their complexities--they'll certainly be more interesting to watch. If I'm critiquing myself in a performance, then I'm going to "be" the actor trying to play a part instead of the character trying to live within the story. This just highlights many other examples I've found.

I want to focus more of my work on embracing where I am, how to simply listen to what is going on around me, and how, when left alone, I can create a far more fascinating set of characters, than if I sweat it out, hoping to make a pleasurable show onstage. Again, this is just my own perspective. You can find some wise words about working from the actor's perspective and the rest of the business from the links on blog, posted here.